I’m too good at letting the fuse burn down. This is the problem that haunts me at night. I’ve come to the conclusion that while I’m not a terrible human being, I humor the prospect of being terrible whenever I get the chance.
I’ve heard all the advice on how to be successful. I know that I have to work hard, work often, and just plain work. You can’t count on things being given to you, so you have to push forward as if life is going to bite you on the buns any chance it can get. That is how I try to live my life, that is what I tell myself I’m going to do. That is rarely the case though.
When I make money, I make just enough. Part of this is poverty, I mean I’m not exactly daddy warbucks over here. The other part is that I don’t feel the pressure to have a career. If I can have a lame job and make just enough to get through, why go for something bigger?
There are tons of reasons. For one, I don’t make enough for me, my family, and my hobbies. One of those cannot be supported, and often my hobbies suffer. On top of that, making enough money to be financially secure is the best way to achieve the mental security of doing what you want.
Side point, I read on the internet that when asked if she really wanted to play a role on Star Trek, Whoopi Goldberg said something to the tune of, “I’m famous now, I can do what I want.”
While it is possible that an artist can one day achieve greatness with just their own ideas, the best route to doing the art you love is to have the influence to do it. Whether that influence is the immense power of being a well known Black woman/Santa Claus, or just having the money leftover after bills to commission a cover for your self-published book.
Right now I can’t do dick. But that is because doing dick always comes with a risk (take note, ladies and gentlemen). I could try my hardest to get that stable job, but what do I sacrifice to get it? Do I lose the time to play games with my friends? Do I lose the connection with my family? Do I lose the time to see the woman I love? Do I lose the time to practice my writing? Do I lose the chance to create a writing platform that could one day get me published?
So instead I burn the fuse, let it sizzle toward the big bomb that is failure. Not just the small failures, I have had countless number of those. I mean being homeless, starving, and questioning why I didn’t jump when I had the chance.
Instead of jumping, I watch the fuse. Maybe it will go away on its own, success will fall into my lap, and I won’t have to sacrifice any of the things I love. I doubt it though.
I have to find a way to write about being me, while still being me, and supporting me and mine. I will tell you if something works out.